:: ::

Once I went to a strip club in the middle of the day. They had a lunch special and I justified going by telling myself I was a poor college student and could always use a cheap lunch.

There were three strippers working and only five customers in the place, none of which seemed to be tipping. The first two dancers knew they had a shitty shift and showed it by just walking out on stage, dropping their clothes, and spreading their legs with no sex to it. It was as exciting as a gynecologist appointment set to “Dope Show” by Marilyn Manson.

For the third girl's set, “MMMBop” jolted from the speakers and she came bouncing out on stage happier than an Asian who's just been accepted to Berkeley. She packed a few extra pounds and had a gawky face, but her obvious glee at dancing to the bubblegum pop made her look like she was just going through an adorably-awkward growing-up phase.

I suddenly became a fan of Hanson.

Lunch that day had a surprise side-dish of four lap-dances and ended up costing me over $70. I spent the money on her not because of her dancing or body, but more because she had picked a song that I had never heard in a strip club before and danced well to it. Her originality made her sexy

Every strip club I'd ever patronized had always played a forgettable mix of rap-rock, butt rock, dance goth, and booty hip-hop. I'd never heard a song I liked. I'd never heard a particularly original selection until “MMMBop” and I'd always hated that song. Still I appreciated the girl's creativity.

That experience made me wonder what song other music lovers would shell out $70 to a stripper who danced to it. Below are the answers from my painfully scientific and mathematically-sound survey of that question.



Chris Hardwick, comedian and member of Hard n' Phirm:

“At Seventeen” by Janis Ian

Throwing Toasters, musical comedian:

Comedy music, it's the true alternative and perfect for your late night foray into the strip clubs of the world. “Dead Puppies” by Ogden Edsel is the classic comedy song.
Sample Lyrics:

“My Puppy died, late last fall.
He's still rotting in the hall.
Dead Puppies aren't much fun.”
My reasoning is the swelling pipe organ music at the end of this song would lead to a eye watering finale. There's also the link, on some subliminal level, between Puppies and Breasts. Dead Puppies could mean an implant job gone wrong.

Brandon Goldstein, drummer for Billion Stars and Merle Jagger:

I always thought Morphine would be good strip club music.

Fred Mills, editor for Magnet Magazine :

Not to give you a easy answer, but I always thought “Why Don't We Do it in The Road?” by The Beatles would be great to see in a strip club.

Donald Martinez, guitarist for Budget Sinatra and creator of the music collective TheShizz.org:
I like listening to industrial, metal, and maybe some techno at strip clubs. I think Type O Negative plays some pretty good stripper music, it's very sexy stuff.
I have been to many a strip club and Portland is AWESOME because the girls were dancing to Ween, Flaming Lips, Reverond Horton Heat, and old school REM.

Jacki O, artist and publisher of Your Invisible City :

I have actually never been to a strip club because if I wanted to see vagina I could just stay home for that. But if I ran a strip club I would play David Bowie's “Suffragette City”, a lot of 80's music like Tears for Fears, ABBA's “Dancing Queen”, and a lot of Queen. Peaches would be awesome . . .   and Le Tigre!

Jesse Thorn, host of “The Sound of Young America”:

Andrew WK's “She Is Beautiful”

Ron Babcock, comedian/filmmaker

I'd like to see a stripper come out naked from the get-go and do the Pee-Wee Herman dance. But do it seriously, with a kind of serious and bitter look on her face.

Seth Kinsley, writer for Somethingawful.com:

I don't go to strip clubs because my self-loathing manifests itself in other ways, but here are some songs they probably don't play a lot: “A Bitch is a Bitch” by Ice Cube/NWA, “Fat Girl” by Eazy E, and the non-radio version of “Coin Operated Boy” by the Dresden Dolls where she says something about “I can even fuck him in the ass.”
Also you should publicly maim and shame anyone who wrote in thinking that they were clever shit for suggesting that stupid Bloodhound Gang song. And that goes double for anyone who suggested any song by Anal Cunt.

Brandon Huigens, comic book artist and singer for Male Pattern Radness:

It would be cool if “Rock You Like A Hurricane” came on and she had nipple tassels on and she made them go around and around really fast. Like hurricanes.


Dan Schlissel, head of Standup! Records:

Anything off The Stooges Funhouse record. Anything. Especially the songs “Funhouse,” “Down on the Street,” “Loose,” and “1970.”

Mishka Shubaly, singer/songwriter:

For me, the strip club experience is always tainted by shame and guilt (maybe because I usually get in using a coupon and tip the girls using Taco Bell border bucks) so that's the direction I'd have to go. I'd want to hear a song from my youth that I was really into at the time but that even the veil of nostalgia can't make me enjoy now-- maybe “Slam” by Onyx. The other direction I'd go would be something slow and incredibly beautiful like “Watching Alice” by Nick Cave or anything by Maria Callas or Angelo Badalamenti. The accompanying move would be the same for either style of music: the up close, in-your-face pelvic grind so you can see every stretch mark, every ingrown hair, every minute gynecological detail... God, I need a drink.

Amy Donahue, comedian:

How about Soft Cell's “Tainted Love” with puss-looking green slime running down between their legs?

Ed Oliver, comedian:

I personally would like to see stripper dance the Hokey Poky. They would put their left foot in and their left foot out...
 
Page the Village Idiot, musician/comedian:

“We Are the World” with a lot of opening and spreading would be cool. “I Would Walk 500 Miles” which would of course consist of a lot of marching and bouncing. “I Believe That Children Are Our Future” would be great too.

David Zulaica, Pseudo-Cyborg and drummer for Craving, the Seamstress:

“Bitches Ain't Shit” as performed by Ben Folds. Anything that puts whores in their place is fine by me. Cry into your money, cunts.

Michele Laudig, music editor for Phoenix New Times :

If they started playing the Troggs in strip clubs, then that's where I'd go to drink a few beers. For now, I can only find that in my living room, and sadly, the stripper would have to be me.

Brandon Conner, singer/guitarist for Craving, the Seamstress:

I want to see one dancing in time to EARLY Blink 182.

Tara Carpenter, comedy fan and porn enthusiast

Led Zeppelin's “Trampled Under Foot.” I imagine some sultry pole spinning followed by just a little of the sexy floor crawl. This could also easily happen with LZ's “Black Dog” and “Enjoy” by Bjork. Weird Al's “Eat It” could inspire all sorts of lesbianism.

From the art band, Father's Day:

Tiny Tim especially the song “Livin' In The Sunlight, Lovin' In The Moonlight”

Sterling Bartlett, artist/graphic designer:

“22 Acacia Avenue” by Iron Maiden. It's a song about an aging prostitute who runs a home brothel and the lead singer tries to convince her to leave that life behind. The moral of the story: never try to turn a hooker into a housewife. I guess the girl on stage could mime the hooker's reaction to the dude trying to pull her away, sort of like some interpretive dance moves, and then she could do some flashdance shit, and inevitably tell the dude to go fuck himself. I would most likely plop down a buck or two to see that.

Mark Christian, guitarist for Merle Jagger and former member of Berlin and The Big F:

“I Feel Fine” by the Beatles

:: ::