Winners Never Quit, Gambling :: RON BABCOCK

Winners Never Quit, Gambling
by Ron Babcock
Modest Proposal

Who’s left of my family and friends say I have a gambling problem and made me answer these questions from this Arizona Council of Compulsive Gambling pamphlet. For the last time, I’m not addicted to gambling. I can stop anytime I want to. I’ll even give you three-to-one odds on it.

Do you gamble to escape from problems or worries?
No, I drink to escape my problems. When I gamble, I face my problems head on. One time I owed Chicken Legs Charlie some money, so I marched right into the casino, and would’ve rolled up my sleeves had I not been wearing a vest, and yelled, “Does anyone have a condom, because my money penis is getting hard.” Yes I was drunk and yes, I actually walked into a McDonald’s birthday party, but the point is I sold my car for $500 that night. Or I stole a car for $5. I can’t remember, which means I don’t have to worry about it.

Have you lost time from work due to gambling?
No, I’m unemployed. I want to be a professional gambler so the casino is like a paid internship, although sometimes I don’t know who’s paying whom. This week I pulled 80 hours and learned to sleep sitting up. Chicken Legs Charlie told me he admired my conviction, but it’s time for a break and pointed to my legs. He’s always checking up on me. He’s a good guy.

Have you promised yourself you’d quit gambling after your next big win?
Why quit when you’re on a lucky streak? How are you supposed to pay back the money you’ve borrowed to make back the money you lost if you quit? Quitters never win unless they quit losing and winners never quit unless someone shanks them after a big score. Charlie told me that after he asked me if I’ve won “anything, anything at all.”

Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
I live at the casino, so no.

After losing, have you felt you must return as soon as possible to win back your losses?
No, because I never leave. I can’t go back to my old house. I burned that bridge a long time ago and the Laurel Run Bridge is the only way you can get to my house. The Fire marshal is still looking for me, which is another reason why I can’t leave. Plus I don’t have a car. Turns out Chicken Legs Charlie sold it for me, which was nice although I didn’t ask him to do that.

Have you often gambled until your last dollar was gone?
Nah, I always keep at least one dollar to play the change machine. It gets my confidence back up. Gambling is 90% mental, 10% having money and another 10% being in a casino.

Have you borrowed money to finance your gambling?
No, I just steal it. I took a sock full of quarters from Charlie when he wasn’t looking. His foot isn’t made out of quarters, so what’s he need it for? Plus the bastard still owes me for my car. He better pay me. If not, that means he stole stolen property and two wrongs don’t make a right.

Has gambling ever made you careless of welfare of yourself or your family?
I take my welfare very seriously. I only get one check a month and I never ever spend it on booze or nothing like that. I cash it at the casino right there at the table, where you get free booze. I’m making my money work for me.

Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
Not unless you consider fucking hobos for money illegal. And since they don’t have any money, it isn’t.

:: contact Ron Babcock:: ron@mpempire.com