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East v. Arizona :: RON BABCOCK
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East v. Arizona
by Ron Babcock
Modest Proposal
I can’t say for certain but I’m pretty sure Pennsylvania could kick Arizona’s ass if we wanted to. I mean, really wipe the floor with it. But that’s only because we’re friends with New Jersey and NJ’s been crazy ever since it didn’t make the Top 50 States in America list (Puerto Rico took its place). I once saw New Jersey choke Delaware because it stole its federal funding for a bridge. For real, it was fucked up. If this country were a school, NJ would be the bully everyone pretends to be friends with so they don’t get beat up. Arizona would be the dirt bag in the corner who does meth, and sits with his one and only smelly friend at lunch, New Mexico. Pennsylvania, who has asthma and eats Hershey bars between snacks, would sit at the geek’s table doing NJ’s homework with Delaware (reads Harry Potter), New Hampshire (reads bank statements) and South Carolina (can’t read, slightly retarded). But in reality, Pennsylvania would never beat Arizona up, because we just don’t care enough to care. State pride is not one of our finer points.
Scranton is the part of PA I call home, which is famous for mining coal and depression. In Scranton they say, “chase your dreams,” which in my case meant, “get the hell out of Scranton.” Now, they attract people with its rich industrial history. Translation: “Hey! Cool stuff used to happen here. This place was awesome, we swear. We got pictures.” The biggest draw today is how yesterday’s tomorrow disappeared overnight in a flood, launching a local depression that nibbled away at “awesome” and replaced it with “tolerable.” The closest anyone came to teaching me state pride was my 6th grade instructor, Mr. Palfey, who said Pennsylvania earned the name “Keystone” state because it held the American colonies together. “That’s right, earned, ” he said. “Every year, settlers would celebrate by pouring buckets of glue on the Mason-Dixon line.” Two months later, he was fired for telling us the sun was a “pussy” and to “bring it on.” They called it the Keystone state because it was in the middle, because of geography. It was the most uninventive nickname ever, like calling Dennis Rodman, ‘Tall.’ My state pride faded away as soon as I learned that if you go, “Yeah Keystone state!” and attempt to hi-five New Jersey, he will not hi-five you back.
I thought Pennsylvanians were apathetic until I moved to Phoenix. If you say anything negative about Arizona, people say, “Yeah, we know.” Beating Arizona up would be like stealing a baby from an orphanage. It’s just too easy. Arizonians don’t do shit and they don’t do it fast, even if you are punching them in the Grand Canyon. Instead of deepening the east versus west divide, I propose that PA and AZ should sit at the same table and pass notes about the state everybody hates, Texas. We get it. Everything’s big in Texas, especially king-sized cow pricks who drive F-850’s and aren’t afraid to ask girls out on a first daterape. A stereotype? Not if it’s true. “But what about Austin, what about…” Shutup. Austin doesn’t count as a part of Texas. It’s a town of literate, independent minds that drink microbrews and talk about philosophy. Stereotype? They’re called liberals. Austin is the new Alamo, but instead of the settlers coming from back east, they come from a magical place called college.
As a representative of Pennsylvania, I reach out to you Arizona with an offer of endearing friendship and trust. We can do great things together, like letting the air out of Texas’s tires at lunch. But if you screw us, we will totally tell New Jersey you asked Vermont to prom and NJ will face-stab you.
:: contact Ron Babcock:: ron@mpempire.com
